Starter Villain by John Scalzi 
Published by Audible Studios on September 19, 2023
Genres: Fantasy
Format: Audiobook
Narrator: Wil Wheaton
Length: 8 hrs 5 mins
Source: Audible
This post contains affiliate links you can use to purchase the book. If you buy the book using that link, I will receive a small commission from the sale.
Inheriting your uncle's supervillain business is more complicated than you might think. Particularly when you discover who's running the place.
Charlie's life is going nowhere fast. A divorced substitute teacher living with his cat in a house his siblings want to sell, all he wants is to open a pub downtown, if only the bank will approve his loan.
Then his long-lost uncle Jake dies and leaves his supervillain business (complete with island volcano lair) to Charlie.
But becoming a supervillain isn't all giant laser death rays and lava pits. Jake had enemies, and now they're coming after Charlie. His uncle might have been a stand-up, old-fashioned kind of villain, but these are the real thing: rich, soulless predators backed by multinational corporations and venture capital.
It's up to Charlie to win the war his uncle started against a league of supervillains. But with unionized dolphins, hyperintelligent talking spy cats, and a terrifying henchperson at his side, going bad is starting to look pretty good.
In a dog-eat-dog world...be a cat.
I understand why this was the Goodreads Best SciFi story for 2023. So funny!
Charlie is kind of down and out. He is recently divorced. He lost his job and is forced to substitute teach at a local school. And his father has recently died and his older siblings, who he doesn’t get along with, want him to get out of the house so they can sell, even though he has no where to go.
Life goes from bad to weird when a mysterious woman shows up to tell Charlie that his rich Uncle Jake just died, an uncle he hasn’t seen since he was a child, and that Uncle Jake requested that Charlie act as host at his wake. With nothing better to do, Charlie obliges but he is quickly confused by the odd assortment of attendees. Most are dressed like extras in a Godfather movie and all looking to make sure his uncle is really dead. One man going so far as to try and stab the corpse. When Charlie steps between the stabber and the body, it begins a chain reaction which will begin with his house blowing up, then finding out that his cat, and her kitten apprentice, have been supervising him and continues on to a secret island lair.
It seems Charlie’s uncle isn’t the parking garage king that Charlie thought. Uncle Jake was one of the most notorious Villains in the world, and as his only surviving relative, the organization wants Charlie to be the new head. Charlie just wants to know what he has gotten himself into.
This story was hilarious. We have talking cats, well they need computers to communicate, but they are quite intelligent. We even have talking dolphins, who are currently striking since it isn’t fair that cats can become middle management and they can’t. There is a (not so) secret island lair. Charlie’s first official order of business is to attend a villain conference where both the other villains and many government agencies may or may not be trying to kill him.
Charlie is introduced into a world with an odd power balance between entrepreneurs (a/k/a Villians) and governments. He is in way over his head but with his uncle’s right hand woman and his beloved cat/spy at his side, he might just be able to survive long enough to figure out if he wants to stay or not.
There was talk of a movie version being produced by Ryan Reynolds, which seems to have stalled out, but as soon as I heard Ryan Reynolds, my brain instantly went “Oh yeah.” I could absolutely see Ryan Reynolds stepping in as Charlie.
If you want to give Starter Villain, I would highly recommend the audiobook as Wil Wheaton does an outstanding job bringing this story to life.
Favorite Scene:
“Let’s go inside, Charlie. We have lots to talk about, and we shouldn’t say it in the open air.”
Hera was at her desk when we came inside. Morrison went to her and greeted her with a scritching. Persephone, the kitten, was also on the desk next to Hera.
“How long have you two known each other?” I asked. I maneuvered myself over to the couch.
“This is only the second time we’ve met,” Morrison said, giving Persephone a scritch as well. The kitten arched her tiny back for it. “The first time was the other day at your house but I couldn’t say anything then.”
Hera went to her keyboard. WE EMAIL A LOT, she typed to me.
“How is he doing?” Morrison asked Hera about me.
HE’S HAVING A LOT OF COGNITIVE DISSONANCE. Hera typed.
“Fair,” Morrison said. She noticed where I was and made a motion with her hand. “Sit, Charlie. We have a lot to cover.”
“Can we start with the cat?” I asked, sitting.
CATS. Hera typed PERSEPHONE IN MY INTERN.
Persephone looked at me and mewed.
“Paid internship, I hope.” I joked.
OF COURSE. Hera typed back. WE’RE ANIMALS. NOT MONSTERS.
I paused. “Do you actually get paid?” I asked my cat.
YES.
“How much?”
MORE THAN YOU.
“I suppose I deserved that for asking,” I said.
I turned to Morrison. “You said sentient cats are useful to my Uncle’s business.”
“I did.” Morrison said.
“How?”
“Intelligence gathering,” Morrison said. “Human and electronic intelligence gathering are difficult. No one suspects a cat.”
I eyed Hera, who to be fair looked like an ordinary cat, except for the fact that she was sitting at a keyboard ergonomically designed specifically for her species.
“And this matters in the parking garage game?” I said to Morrison.
“More than you might think,” Morrison said. “But as I mentioned outside, there is more to your Uncle’s business than parking garages.”
“But I’m not part of any of it,” I said. “Jake wasted a cat.”
I turned to Hera, “No offense.”
NONE TAKEN.
Morrison shook her head. “Not a waste,” she said. “Charlie, after your mother died, your father told Jake to keep away from his family. So Jake kept away. Still Jake always kept an eye on you. Not always with cats–but also with cats.”
“Why?”
“You’re your mother’s son and he wanted to know you were okay for that reason alone. You’re his family, Charlie. His only real family. And also to keep you safe.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means that in your Uncle’s line of work there’s an unwritten rule that family not directly involved in the business are not to be targeted,” Morrison said. “Turns out not every one of your Uncle’s competitors was what you would call ethical.”
“This explains my house blowing up,” I said.
Hera started typing. NO. YOU STOOD FOR YOUR UNCLE AT HIS FUNERAL. THEY THINK YOU’RE FAIR GAME NOW.
“What?” I looked at Morrison. “You didn’t tell me that.”
Morrison made a half shrug. “Sorry.”
“Sorry? They blew up my house with themselves in it.”
More typing. THEY BLEW UP SOMEONE ELSE ACTUALLY. THERE WAS AN EARLIER PAIR OF VISITORS. I HAVE VIDEO.
“Show it to him,” Morrison said before I could ask my cat how she had video.
Hera typed and a window popped up on the monitor showing the interior of my house from the point of view of several cameras that I was not aware had been in my house. On one of the cameras two men had entered the house through the back. The men were dressed as plumbers or electricians carrying work bags. Hera and Persephone came up to them curious. The men ignored the cats and made their way through the house. First wondering about spraying something, and then heading to my bedroom where, among other things, my laptop was, and doing something by the door to my room.
“Setting a bomb,” Morrison said. “It’ll arm when someone enters the room. Go off when they try to leave. They were probably spraying accelerant earlier.”
Hera fast forwarded the video for awhile as the two men exited and then slowed down again awhile later when a new person entered the house, also by the back door. This new person also looked around the house before heading up to my bedroom. It was at this point the cats left the house. The new person in my bedroom spied my laptop, fiddled with it for a moment and caught me looking up at them from the street and decided to leave, taking the laptop with them. As they passed the threshold of my doorway, the bomb planted by the others went off, flinging the new interloper down the stairs and visibly breaking their neck as the fire raced around my home. The video cut off.
“Who are these people?” I asked, shaken.
LOOKING INTO THE BOMBERS. Hera typed. WE THINK THE PERSON WHO BLEW UP WAS CIA.
I blinked at this. “Excused me? A CIA agent died in my house?”
MAYBE FBI, Hera amended.
Leave a Reply